I was 27. It happened in a grimy, makeshift shopping centre in northwest London. Not a market, not a mall. Just...
Grief
Remembering: those who saved us
Yesterday I said goodbye to one of my heroes. It turns out he was a hero to rather a lot of people. Many stood at the...
Re-calling: one terrifying night
What haunts you? What stories can you still tell, word for word, second by second, after thirty years? What...
Reaching out
“I'm not ready to go yet.” The words were barely understandable through the sobs, but the feeling and power with which they were spoken was immense. My patient was in her 30's and had been admitted through the Emergency Department to the surgical ward I was working on...
Reactivating: when your job is grief
Grief comes, like love, in myriad forms, chameleon-like, shape shifting, shadow dancing, furtive and furious, all consuming, ever-present, ineluctable. It hits with the power of a tornado, obliterating everything in its path and it lingers, a festering presence eating...
Re-living the past: a chance encounter with grief
He was there, right behind me. I could smell his shaving foam, feel his cotton shirt brush my ear, anticipate his painful bear hug of love. A warm wash of homecoming enveloped me. I was safe, I was home, I was where I was always meant to be. At his side. Except I...
Respecting: Life and Death
“It’s not life and death!” How often do we say that, euphemistically, to reduce whatever it is we are agonising over to its relevant size? But sometimes it is. Life and death. I knew my friend and neighbour was going to die and that it would be soon, but I did not...
Re-surfacing: Hyperemesis Gravidarum part 3
Sunday 13th I feel very odd at 6 a.m. Palpitations, pounding heart, very light headed and I am still lying flat. I mention it to the midwife who says that tests from last weekend show I have a thyroid problem. She gives me a temazepam. I feel very shaky,...
Re-evaluating: Hyperemesis Gravidarum part 2
Saturday 12th And so begins the worst day of my life. D returns from a nightshift and at nine o’ clock a girl from F’s nursery arrives to look after her while he sleeps; I am unable to sit up without vomiting, let alone look after a nearly three year old. He...
Re-gurgitating: Hyperemesis Gravidarum part 1
This is the first of three posts this week from a patient wanting to share her story from 15 years ago. We are very grateful for her honesty. As health care professionals we are really only spectators to snippets of our patients lives. The ten minutes or so of each...
Renegotiating: When Worlds Collide
The evening started like any other, a day spent sleeping poorly, counting the hours until another long night spent in the emergency department. My disguise laid out; dark green scrubs, pens, stethoscope and an ID badge. My hair is scraped back off my shoulders and I...
Re-awakening: grief
The message stopped me dead in my tracks when it came through. There, in black and white on my phone screen. In that moment, unable to un-read or no longer know. Fact, reality, life. Or rather death. What was supposed to be a joyous celebration of new life; the...